The Ass Doctor


While checking out my e-mails on match, I come across one from a gastroenterologist. Ok, I think it’s odd that he uses “doctor” in his “match name”. It may be a sign he’s into himself. He describes himself as a “motor mouth” and he’s not the most attractive man… But I’m not in my twenties, I’m trying new things, My mother told me it’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man. So I decide to meet him for a drink. We pick 7:30 because he is giving a lecture at a local hospital.

Hair, make up, cute outfit. Ready! I meet him at the bar, I say hello, order a cosmo.  He tells me I’m  beautiful. And that was probably the last part of the conversation I was part of.

He proceeded to show me a text, from someone at the lecture he gave, saying how wonderful he was. Then told me he hates lectures but it’s an easy fifteen hundred dollars for half an hours work. He also informs me that he has looked at over 54,000 assholes in his career.

Really? 54,000, that’s a lot of assholes. How am I supposed to respond to that? Oh it doesn’t matter, I don’t have to –  he’s still speaking. Oh, now the subject is anal bleaching, he can do that too.  ANAL BLEACHING? Are you kidding? Who needs their anus bleached???  I smile politely and decline that!  He also told me about a woman who was having a colonoscopy.  They actually stopped  the procedure to discuss that she had the largest bush they had ever seen.  Note to self : must have  bikini wax prior to all surgeries.

All right 20 min have passed, I think I’ll try to join the conversation. I decide I’ll tell him I volunteer at the local hospitals for the American Cancer Society. It shows I’m a caring person, I’m in the hospitals – maybe something in common…

He takes a breath.. I jump in “so, which hospitals do you work out of ?”. He starts to list them. I jump in. ” I was at that one today” Oops, I paused. FAIL!  He continues to talk. Ok, I manged to get out I was at a hospital. I didn’t get to say I volunteer.  I could have been there having a stroke, heart attache, or brain aneurysm. I may need a hospital when I stab myself in the eye because I just can’t handle this conversation anymore! Umm, except it’s not a conversation – I haven’t participated!

Now he’s telling me how much his house costs, his son’s “bemma” and what ever car he bought his daughter. Not caring. I now down the rest of my cosmo. This punishment has gone on long enough!

He sees my empty drink and asks if I want another. Wow he noticed something other than himself ? I refuse the drink with a lame excuse about working in the morning. He asks me out for another date. I think I would rather have my anus bleached. But I smile and say “sure, call me”. Then asks me to pinky promise. OH Yes he did! He even made me hold out the pinky! Well if he can make me pinky promise, then I can do crossies!!!

Walking out of the restaurant he put his hand on my side, then rubbed my stomach and told me I was in great shape. Um… I may have vomited in my mouth a little. Please don’t touch me, I am grossed out! We get to my car. I see he is leaning in for a kiss. I block. Step back and hold out my hand for a shake. Yes, the message is clear! Finally something got through!

As I drive home I think Ok, I guess I have seen my own share of assholes! And ya know what else? There isn’t enough money in the world! But… I do have a coffee date tomorrow morning…

So, I have decided I need to marry for love, not money. Although, I could I date for money, couldn’t I ? How could a man think talking about assholes, large bushes, anal bleaching, and how much money he makes is ok? Are all men this self-absorbed? What do you think?

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Posted on March 23, 2012, in age, dating, divorce, J Date, Jewish dating, Jewish Singles, Jews, love, Match.com, On line dating, over 40, relationships, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. What do I think? I think you are hysterical!!! Quit your day job and start blogging full time!!!

  2. Cool blog, its always a pleasure to see people know what they’re talking about.
    on a side note, i recommend you dont download anime episodes from random websites. Some of them are loaded with viruses. Be sure to read what other anime fans have to say about a site online before you register as a member.

  3. Awesome story….I bet he kisses himself in the mirror while bleeching his anus!!!!

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