Category Archives: Jews

Do You Know the Muffin Man?


My J Date membership may have paid off. I got an e-mail from a 43-year-old good-looking guy. Seemed intelligent, very well-travelled, extremely into health and fitness, good job… we did the back and forth e-mail thing. Of course he doesn’t live within a 25 mile radius of me, we have already established there are no eligible Jews in my area. He lives about an hour and a half away. I agree to meet him half way. He picks a very nice seafood restaurant. I’m impressed and a little excited.

Cute “red date sweater”, sexy shoes, hair, make up… I look good. Drive the 45 min. A little nervous. I always try to show up 15 min early so I can get my wine and relax a bit. Ugh, it was kind of hard to find the place, even with GPS. Parking was even  tougher. But I made it!  I walk into the restaurant and head to the bar.

Fail. He was there first. Oh and ummm I think he’s aged 10 years and thirty pounds since his last picture. What’s up with that? Not that I have anything against a receding hairline (I actually think bald is sexy) it just wasn’t receding in any of the pictures…  And I’m not sure how he’s running those marathons or climbing mountains with that extra weight. There is no way he works out 5 times a week. He’s not fat. Just soft and mushy around the middle- in fact it’s kind of like a sloppy muffin top. Not a beer belly. A muffin top. I don’t think I’ve seen a muffin top on a man before, just teenage girls who wear their pants too tight.  Odd, but I’m not dating just for looks. His profile was interesting. I was intrigued with his e-mails, he seemed cool.  So he’s using and old picture- not a crime. We say hello and grab a table.

Small talk. Driving. Traffic. Work. Yawn. What I thought were cool one sentence answers through e-mail, now translates to boring and dull in person. In reality he had the personality of Matzoh. That dry Jewish holiday cracker that should have been left in Egypt when that shit didn’t rise, and now we are forced to eat it on Passover.

Conversation was getting strained… I was trying…. He told me he that was never married, came close once, but thought there might be better out there. Dumped her, has regretted it ever since and tries to measure everyone up to her. Really? Ok soo he’s a commitmentphobe who sets everyone up for failure. Fun. He did have two dates with a girl six years ago. Wow! Six years ago! Since then the rest of the girls have told him there was no chemistry. Really? No kidding!!! I wasted good hair and my “red date sweater” for this????  Well, the salmon was good. It’s late. I’m done.

We go to leave the restaurant. As we exit I turn to go to the right and he starts to go to the left. I laugh and tell him I’m parked over this way around the corner, in the alley next to the bar. He said “Oh, ok, goodbye”, gave me an awkward hug, and walked away… he didn’t even walk me to my car… All the Non-Jews have walked me to my car. I am insulted. The one Jewish guy- not walking me to my car? I told him it was in an alley. Really ? Humph! My mother would say not a mensch!

*Mensch (Yiddish: מענטש mentsh, from German: Mensch “human being”) means a person of integrity and honor.

Another fail? Come on?  Am I destined to be a “One-Date-Wonder”? This dating could make me meshuggeneh!

Meshuggeneh – (Yiddish) a crazy fool

DO WE HAVE TO KISS FROGS???


I was telling my parents about my Match.com dates. My mother asked me why I wasn’t “doing J Date”. I know J Date is for Jewish singles, but how does my mother know this?  Of course… some of her Mahjong friends date. “You know, Jewish men make good providers”, she tells me- like she’s never said it before.

I’m Jewish. I consider myself “Jewish-Lite” kind of like Bud-Lite. One of my brothers says he’s a “Recovering Jew”. My mother insists we are “Culturally Jewish”.  All translate to being Jews but not so much religious…  My ex was Catholic. In fact I have never even dated anyone Jewish. Unless you count the 6th grade- we had ice cream or my “coffee date”.  Not that I am against dating Jewish. The area in which I live is not heavily populated with Jews.

So, I decided to try J Date. But I’ve already paid for 6 months of Match.com.  Now I have to pay for J Date? Not that I’m being cheap or anything… Look it’s on sale! HALF OFF!!! Such a deal! I have to join! I’m so proud! Why am I suddenly typing with a New York Jewish accent? I sound like Barbra Streisand in my head! OY VEY! It’s on sale… I buy… I date… If only I had a Shadchen — Matchmaker. This is the correct Yiddish term, not Yenta. A Yenta is just a talkative, gossipy woman.

I sign up. Not very creative,  I copy and paste my Match profile. Being in my forties I’ll date 40-55. I don’t want to have children yadda, yadda, yadda… Put up the cute pics of me and enter…

Ok, in a 25 mile radius of my home there are 4 Jews. Yup 4! Oh and there’s my coffee date guy.  So 3 Jews I haven’t had coffee with. And can I say they are ummm… let’s see… how do I say it…. Ummm  not so attractive? Yea there ya go! Great! Shut off the computer and go to bed. #FAIL !

But low and behold the next morning I check my J Date.  64 people viewed me!  E mail: 11, flirted with me: 7 (that is equivalent to the Match “wink”),  favorite me: 4, put me on their hot list: 3.  Wow I’ve got some action. Whoo whoo!  How bad can this be? It has been less than 24 hours! Let’s check out what this Jewish princess is reeling in!

So I look. Oh. Um. Oh. Let’s see. A Doctor. This picture is not soo bad. Oh, that’s because it was taken when he went to Harvard… around 40 years ago! Hello??? Did you read my profile? I am not looking for someone in their 70’s… oh and look most recent photo… yes he looks like Gene Shalit. There’s a match- not.

Well we know there is no one in a 25 mile radius of where I live. But could we stay in New England (that’s where I live)? Wow I have Tel Aviv, NY, CA, Canada! Really? My profile says 25 miles from my zip code. Do they not know Geography? Maybe they don’t need to- they make good providers! How about age? Never mind the 60 and 70 year olds. I have a 28-year-old from Brooklyn, NY, a 27-year-old from Poland (now that’s a long distance relationship- what am I supposed to read him bed time stories over the phone?), and a 32-year-old from N Hollywood, CA. I have to say no when they are closer to my daughter’s age then mine. Not a cougar. My favorite?? The guy from Flushing, NY. He looks like a Rabbi, beard and all. I quickly copy and paste his pic and Gene’s pic to an email and send it to my mother with the note “thanx for having me join J Date. Which one do you want for your future son-in-law?”

She resplied “sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs…” Thanks Mom.

The Ass Doctor


While checking out my e-mails on match, I come across one from a gastroenterologist. Ok, I think it’s odd that he uses “doctor” in his “match name”. It may be a sign he’s into himself. He describes himself as a “motor mouth” and he’s not the most attractive man… But I’m not in my twenties, I’m trying new things, My mother told me it’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man. So I decide to meet him for a drink. We pick 7:30 because he is giving a lecture at a local hospital.

Hair, make up, cute outfit. Ready! I meet him at the bar, I say hello, order a cosmo.  He tells me I’m  beautiful. And that was probably the last part of the conversation I was part of.

He proceeded to show me a text, from someone at the lecture he gave, saying how wonderful he was. Then told me he hates lectures but it’s an easy fifteen hundred dollars for half an hours work. He also informs me that he has looked at over 54,000 assholes in his career.

Really? 54,000, that’s a lot of assholes. How am I supposed to respond to that? Oh it doesn’t matter, I don’t have to –  he’s still speaking. Oh, now the subject is anal bleaching, he can do that too.  ANAL BLEACHING? Are you kidding? Who needs their anus bleached???  I smile politely and decline that!  He also told me about a woman who was having a colonoscopy.  They actually stopped  the procedure to discuss that she had the largest bush they had ever seen.  Note to self : must have  bikini wax prior to all surgeries.

All right 20 min have passed, I think I’ll try to join the conversation. I decide I’ll tell him I volunteer at the local hospitals for the American Cancer Society. It shows I’m a caring person, I’m in the hospitals – maybe something in common…

He takes a breath.. I jump in “so, which hospitals do you work out of ?”. He starts to list them. I jump in. ” I was at that one today” Oops, I paused. FAIL!  He continues to talk. Ok, I manged to get out I was at a hospital. I didn’t get to say I volunteer.  I could have been there having a stroke, heart attache, or brain aneurysm. I may need a hospital when I stab myself in the eye because I just can’t handle this conversation anymore! Umm, except it’s not a conversation – I haven’t participated!

Now he’s telling me how much his house costs, his son’s “bemma” and what ever car he bought his daughter. Not caring. I now down the rest of my cosmo. This punishment has gone on long enough!

He sees my empty drink and asks if I want another. Wow he noticed something other than himself ? I refuse the drink with a lame excuse about working in the morning. He asks me out for another date. I think I would rather have my anus bleached. But I smile and say “sure, call me”. Then asks me to pinky promise. OH Yes he did! He even made me hold out the pinky! Well if he can make me pinky promise, then I can do crossies!!!

Walking out of the restaurant he put his hand on my side, then rubbed my stomach and told me I was in great shape. Um… I may have vomited in my mouth a little. Please don’t touch me, I am grossed out! We get to my car. I see he is leaning in for a kiss. I block. Step back and hold out my hand for a shake. Yes, the message is clear! Finally something got through!

As I drive home I think Ok, I guess I have seen my own share of assholes! And ya know what else? There isn’t enough money in the world! But… I do have a coffee date tomorrow morning…

So, I have decided I need to marry for love, not money. Although, I could I date for money, couldn’t I ? How could a man think talking about assholes, large bushes, anal bleaching, and how much money he makes is ok? Are all men this self-absorbed? What do you think?

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