I receive a “match” e-mail. The picture is hot. But he’s shirtless… We know what that means… Do we? YES into health and fitness! Never mind what my friend/ psychologist says “shirtless is a red flag- he just wants sex. What does she know? She only went to school for a degree. I’m sassy. I’m single. I have training wheels, and he’s hot. His profile is nice. Never been married. In his late 40’s? Red flag? Doesn’t want to play games. Looking for someone who feels like an old friend. Sounds good. We e-mail back and forth. Decide to meet at a nice restaurant.
He was at the bar. With a sweater he didn’t look quite as buff as picture. But oh well. There was a seat empty for me. Gave the kiss hello. Because that’s what you do, and sat down. I ordered a glass of Cabernet. We started to chat a little.
We do the “how was work” talk . Then he tells me someone cheated on him once so he has trouble trusting people. Oh, Ok. Not all people are cheaters. My ex cheated but I don’t think all people do. Why start off thinking the worst of people. Red flag? He asked me if I cook. I told him no. I cooked for my family because I felt it was nice to sit down every night for dinner. But my daughter has moved out, and I never enjoyed cooking. His answer was “you’ll cook for me”. I laughed at him. “um, no I won’t- I don’t enjoy cooking.” He said “we’ll see”. Another red flag? Is he trying to be funny? I don’t think he’s funny…
He asked what I do during the week. I laugh and smile. I tell him I’m a very busy girl. On Tuesdays I play trivia at a local place with the girls. Fridays I have a group of friends (who are like family) that I go to dinner with. And Sundays I have “family” dinner at a friend’s house. He then actually says (almost with a gangster accent) “when you’re with me this Tuesday, Friday, Sunday stuff will end”. Is he joking? Trying to be funny? Is he high? I don’t even know his last name. He is going to dictate how I spend my week? Red flag? I don’t even know how to respond. I ignore the asshole comment.
We chat some more. It’s late. I need to go. He walks me to my car. He tells me if I want to go out again to call him. I smile and tell him no, I’m not comfortable with that. If he wants to see me he has to call. That’s just how I am. He shrugs and walks away.
I go home. I’m confused. One minute he is nice. The next he seems like an asshole. The next day he texts me in the afternoon “so what are you going to cook for me tomorrow”. I respond “a second date doesn’t qualify you for a meal- lol”. He doesn’t respond. Confused again. Whatever. The following day he texts me “call me”. Is this a game? I said I don’t call. He’s forcing me to call? What is he an ass? I don’t get it. I’m annoyed at this point.
I finish work. I go home. Put on my comfy jammies and eat some leftovers. Then I call. He asks what I’m doing I tell him I just got home and ate. He gets angry and said “I thought you were cooking for me tonight?” I tell him “I believe I told you I don’t cook. And a second date doesn’t warrant cooking”. Even more pissy he informs me that we had plans.
Plans? Really? If we had plans I wouldn’t be in jammies- I’d have hair and make up done. I would look cute and know where I was going! Ok one date and this has become more BS than it’s worth. Am I actually arguing with someone I don’t know? I tell him there must be some miscommunication. He says, again with attitude ”maybe, you should check your busy schedule and let me know when your free.” I reply “I’m not” and hang up.
Should it BE this difficult? So my friend was right… No shirt = red flag. He wasn’t looking for sex, just to control my life. Hmm late forties and not married… BIG surprise!
Feel free to click “like” and if you would like to hear more of my adventures click the “follow” button on right!
In on-line dating I am guilty of scrutinizing a picture. Cosmo magazine said “you are only as good looking as your worst picture”. Not only do I check out all pictures to see what a guy looks like, I also check out the background- what kind of house, furniture or whatever else I may see. If the house needs painting does that mean a guy is lazy and will never get around to doing things? If the furniture is from the 70’s does he live with his mother or just have bad taste? Am I over thinking things? Can you really tell that much by a picture? Apparently you can tell a lot about someone from their picture. A friend/ psychologist told me how to “read” the pictures:
No shirt- means he’s looking for sex
Holding a fish in front of him- He already has I barrier up
Standing behind motorcycle- Same as fish
Only pictures of finishing a marathon, triathlon, or bike race- Too into themselves / fitness won’t make time for you
Crossing arms- Not ready to let someone in. *oops,I am guilty of that, but thought I looked cute
No picture- Married
Picture with a dog- Anyone who likes animals is a good person. *whew, I have that picture too
Took their own picture (in a mirror or their arm stretched out)- means they can’t even ask one friend to take a pic for them so they are anti-social.
So not only do I have to read through all the profiles, I have to “read” the pictures. Who knew there was so much to a picture?! What about the other pictures? What do they mean? I do see a lot of pictures of men in their cars. Not next to them- IN them. I don’t know what that means. Why are they taking pictures in their car? Do they look in their rearview mirror, think to themselves “hey, I’m looking handsome today” and click away at the next red light? I don’t get that one. There are a few pictures with the fake tree or grey marble back ground that you know the guy had done at Wal-Mart. My own personal opinion is that one cries “desperate/ trying way to hard” and how do you stand in line behind crying kids to have that done? What about the guy holding up is beer? Yea that just screams alcoholic. Oh and one of my favorites… The guy with the hat and sunglasses. This could have several meanings- I’m ugly, I’m bald and cross-eyed, I’m a pedophile”… all just bad.
Who knew there would be so much to a profile picture? I don’t need training wheels…I need a psychology degree! Can we base who to date on how they stand in a picture? I’m not taking the one with my arms crossed off my profile. Does it mean I’m not ready to let someone in? I do think I look cute in that picture. And the guy with no shirt? Is he really just looking for sex? I don’t know…I think the way he has rubbed the oil all over himself could mean he’s conscious about sun cancer and those muscles could mean he’s into health. Never mind the palm trees in the back ground, which could mean he likes to travel. I like to travel. Look how much we have in common already! Uh Oh! I do need training wheels… But that is a whole other blog….
A couple of months ago I was enjoying a martini with a friend of mine. I happened to notice two guys across the bar. One was hot, the other ok. I did the “glance over, look away, look back and smile”. It worked, they looked at me and whispered to each other. And then no, #fail! The unhot one starts walking over to me. Great. He came over and introduced himself. He said he was there with his son. Fail again, I think the son is hot and I get the father….
He tells me he saw me on Match.com. He said he sent me an e-mail and I didn’t respond. Oh, I vaguely remember looking at his profile. I didn’t respond. Don’t men get that no response IS a response. Now, I have to shoot him down twice. I’m polite, yet obviously uninterested. We chat, we know some of the same people , work in the same area…then, he returns to his side of the bar.
A couple of weeks later I see him again. He starts to talk to me and tells me he is interested in me. But he needs to “shed” some things before we go out. Umm who said we were going out? He proceeds to tell me about a girlfriend he is involved with, although he hasn’t had sex with her in two years. Yea, I believe that- what man goes two years without sex?? And did I really need to know this? Well, apparently he has a trip to Aruba planned with her in two months and will break up for her after. Will I wait? I laughed and said two months is along time.
But honestly let’s just break this down for a second… He has a girlfriend and is trying to pick up other women. Strike one. He says he hasn’t had sex in two years with her- obviously a lie. Strike two. He can’t break up with her until after the trip. A man not getting sex isn’t BRINGING a girl to Aruba. That means she’s paying, he’s a gold digger- strike three- you’re out!
This weekend he came up to me again. I introduce him to the two men that I am speaking with. Later, when they were gone, he came back over to me and asked why I blew him off. What? I was polite and made introductions. He said it made him jealous. Jealous, who is he to be jealous? He told me he has seen me at my work when I stand at the counter bored. Ok, I never stand around at work- I’m very busy, and why is he trying to see in my shop any way. He then says he saw me and my girlfriend at a red light and I ducked down in her van to avoid him. Ok, now I’m getting annoyed. I don’t own a van and neither does my friend I tell him. Also, I am way to sassy to “duck down”.
Just when I think he’s hit creep factor he brings it to a whole new level. He asks me to go into the coat room with him. Are you kidding me! I tell him I don’t have a coat I’m all set. He says, “Let’s go in there to talk. “ We’re talking just fine out here”, I replied. I’m getting a little snotty by this point.
“Maybe, I want to kiss you”, he replies. I am truly disgusted. What am I in 7th grade? Like, I’m just about to go make out in a coat room. Are you kidding, this is what a 50 something year old man comes up with. I tell him, thanks anyway, but you have shedding to do. He thinks I’m funny. Not sure how snotty and sarcastic translated to funny. “How, bout we test the waters” he says.
Umm, how about NO. I tell him “the waters are cold” I turn around and walk away.
How can some one even have the “balls” to ask such a thing? Do men ever grow up? Are there women out there who would go in the coat room? I may be wearing training wheels but I am not playing 7 minutes in the closet!
I was just nominated for the Reader Appreciation Award.
Thank you for this nomination Karmicdiva http://karmicdiva.wordpress.com/.
I am truly honored because this is my FAVORITE blog to read! I love her daily rants, stories and poetry! Please visit her blog and follow her like I do.
The rules for accepting this award:
- Post a link back to the person who nominated you.
- Nominate six bloggers who you love to follow and read.
I am also as equally thrilled to be nomonated for the Beautiful Blogger Award!
Thank You so much to everydayclimb http://everydayclimb.wordpress.com like me she is a “divorced woman with lots of uphill climbing to do” I have my traing wheels on, she’s climbing… and we are both going in the same direction! 🙂 Great blog!
I have found out that not only do I enjoy writing- I love reading what other bloggers have to say! Here are some of my favorites that I would like to nominate for both awards :
Like I’ve said before, I’m in my forties, I was in a relationship for almost half my life and things have changed. I do have my training wheels on and I’m ready to adapt. With that being said…
I was in the bathroom, and my 21-year-old daughter walked in on me. “Woa! Ma! You need some maintenance!” she laughed at me. Huh? “bush maintenance…”, and she laughed again. Ok, I am highly insulted! It’s not like I’m Sasquatch. It doesn’t go to my knees or anything… I’ve always taken care of the “spider legs”…
Being newly single I have already thrown away my “Hanes Her Way” and taken a trip to Victoria’s Secret. Not enough, apparently. So I decided to poll some people. Most people are “doing the Brazillian” and some are shaving. One woman, single, in her 50’s told me a man slipped a Bic razor in her travel bag as a hint. Ugh! That’s a hint! I want to feel feminine, young and sexy so I guess Brazilian Wax is the way to go.
I checked it out on Wikipedia
BRAZILIAN WAXING is the removal of all hair in the pelvic area, front and back, while sometimes leaving a thin strip of hair on the pubis. It can be used by those who wear thong bikinis. It is a form of bikini waxing, and involves the complete removal of hair from the buttocks and adjacent to the anus, perineum and vulva. If a thin vertical strip of hair is left, it may be called a landing strip
All righty then. There was much more info then I needed, including pictures. Half of my polling population goes bare; the other half goes with the landing strip. While my chest size isn’t that large, I feel that bare will make me look like a prepubescent 12-year-old. So landing strip it is then.
I call an Asian salon nearby. My friend refers to them as “you pick color off wall”. I have walked in to have my nails done before, but I feel this warrants an appointment. I went in and sat down. The little Asian girl asked if she could help me. I told her I had an 11 o’clock appointment for a wax. I quickly scan the room. A couple of people are having their nails done, and a man and a woman having pedicures. The Asian girl yells “you wax eyebrows?” Oh no, really? I need to yell this across the salon?
“Brazilian”, I say clearly, confidently, securely like I have done this before. I feel the pedicure couple staring at me. Yes, even the man knows what a “Brazilian” is. “You come” she says. I follow. She leads me to a room. “You change, I be right back”. Ok. I go in the room. There is no robe. Just a table covered with paper. No paper sheet for me. What? I just strip from the waist down? I’m having anxiety. Even my gynecologist gives me a paper sheet to cover myself with…So I strip, and try to see how long I can stretch my shirt as I get on the table.
The Asian girl comes back in. I lay back, she starts. “wax hot?”, she asks. Ummm, yea!!! I’m wondering if she’s trying to melt the hair off! Yes, I answered. “OOh hahaha – hot”, she said. What the hell kind of response is that??? I know there’s a language barrier, but laughing is universal…Hot wax, rip. Hot wax, rip. She’s going to town. I feel like Steve Carell in The Forty Year Old Virgin only this isn’t my chest being waxed. I’m not yelling. I have birthed a child- I can do this. I stare at the ceiling. Hot wax, rip. Hot wax, rip. Ok, she is bending my knees to my ears- Oh my god, you need to wax THAT?! Finally it’s over. “good”, she says? Yea sure it’s good. I pay for my torture and leave.
I’ve tried something new, I’m moving forward in the 21stcentury. I’m not sure I feel feminine, young or sexy while I’m hobbling to my car. But I do feel a little SASSY!
I’ve been checking out my “Match e-mails” Hmmm, think I found one…. An Entrepreneur. Serious, not a game player. We e-mail. He tells me he will be at a local restaurant watching the game on Sunday.
I’m smart. Got my training wheels on. I tell him I have a couple of commitments that day. Brunch in the morning, cocktail party in the evening. I sound savvy! Ok, it’s a lie, but now I have a reason I am supposed to look cute and a getaway plan.
I text him when I’m on my way. He texts and asks what I’d like to drink, so it’s waiting when I get there. I think that’s sweet….. NO, NO, NO!!!!! ROOKIE MISTAKE!!!! First rule of singleness- never leave your drink! Never have a drink you didn’t see the bartender pour! He could have “roofied”me. My friends later scold me! Ok, I was lucky.
I show up he’s cute, we talk. I ask about his business. Ten minutes into the questions I translate Entrepreneur equals “he mows lawns”. Ohhhh…. Alright, whatever. I ask some lawn questions… Will my old leaves melt under the snow this winter? I really don’t feel like raking. He wants to come by the next day and do my entire yard cleanup. For free…
I politely smile and shrug it off. He’s actually not working right now… Surprise… “Entrepreneur” temporarily out of work…. In fact, when I’m at work he would like to bring me a coffee. Oh-sweet but he lives 25 min from where I work. He insists! Yea, not only am I not telling him where I live, there is no way I am letting him know where I work.
He tells me he’ll take care of my lawn in the spring. He’s going to mulch my garden. Do I need my deck painted? How about power washed? Oh my god! I have only met him for 18 min. How strange!!! In 18 years I couldn’t get my ex-husband to do this stuff!! While tempting…. I feel it is strange that he is trying to infiltrate my life. I decide I’m done. Half an hour. Have to go to my cocktail party. Translate- go home and watch some dysfunctional housewives show.
The next day- he texts. “had fun lets go out tonight.” I make up some excuse.
The next day -he texts. “I’ll bring coffee to you at work.” I thank him, but decline
The next day -he texts. “Do you want lunch?”. “no thank you”, I respond. Even though the girls at work are hungry and one is begging me to let him bring us lunch. I can’t let him know where I work….
The next day- he texts. “how about lunch? If not, I can take you to dinner. Or dinner tomorrow? Or how about we go out Friday? If that’s not good, maybe dancing Saturday? Or we could watch the game together on Sunday, after I do your yard work”. I don’t respond.
He texts, I don’t respond. He texts, I don’t respond. He texts, I don’t respond.
And that is how I got my first stage 5 clinger.
How needy is too needy? How do you let down someone who is not getting hints? And how do you avoid the “Stage 5 Clinger”?
I’m in Chicago on business. The first night was a bust. The second night I go to the hotel bar with some people attending the conference. Everyone was really nice. We have a drink, and a few of us discuss go out on the town. Two guys say they are going to a gay strip club. In unison another girl and I exclaimed we want to go! A Gay Strip Club? Never been, but sounds like fun. Looking at hot dancers, and nobody will bother us because we are straight!
We change, we grab a cab, we go.
As my eyes adjust to the lights I find myself staring at the men. They are all gorgeous! I have gay friends, but again never been to a gay club, or actually in any club in almost 20 years. Let me tell you the stereotypes are true! It is not a myth! They are hot! Buff! No matter what age man I looked at abs, butts, not one beer belly or muffin top. I start to nod, I smile, do the sexy look. Oh wait it’s a gay club- there not looking at me. Oh well.
I tell the guys I’m with that I’m jealous, Straight places don’t have this much to look at! “maybe they’ll think I’m a transvestite” I say.
“oh no, honey, they figure you’re a Fag Hag or a Fruit Fly! But both of you are fabulous Fruit Flies!” he says, about me and the girl from the convention. Fag Hag? Fruit Fly? He explains:
FAG-HAG (n.): A non-homosexual female who likes consorting with homosexuals because they make her feel special, desired and beautiful. Usually she is none of the three.
FRUIT FLY (n.): A women who is seen in the company of homosexuals although she is not homosexual herself. She is often pretty, attractive and maybe even beautiful.
OOOH, Ok. I’m a Fruit Fly. I’d rather be a Fruit Fly than a Fag Hag! I’m good with that. The bartender brings me my drink and screams “Darling! I’m not a trannie, but those earrings are FABULOUS!”
TRANNIE (n.): A cross-dresser, usually male wearing female attire, and adopting characteristics that are feminine.
Loving this place! I’m a fruit fly with fabulous earrings! I’m having Fun! The scenery is Fantastic! The dancers are Ferocious! This place is Fierce! And then I meet “Sheila”.
Sheila loves my shoes! Sheila is a trannie. I am catching on. Wasn’t a difficult guess. Sheila is about 6’4, not a great wig, black dress and to die for boots- I’m guessing size 13. Sheila does have better cleavage than mine. She informs me that her Doctor put her on new estrogen shots. I wonder if I can get some? Sheila and I are becoming friends. Sheila and I go for a cigarette break. There is another woman and man outside. They like my shoes, I like her shirt. The compliments are flying. This is great! I mean Fabulous!
Then, Sheila whispers for me to stop talking to them. They want a triangle. Huh??? “a threesome”, she whispers. OOOh I don’t need that explained. Done talking to them ‘cause Sheila said so! We go back inside where my new friends are still watching the show and having a fabulous time.
Sheila turns to me and says, “Honey, do you want to be a Lesbian tonight?” Umm what? Umm, huh? What did she say? Does she mean me and her? Really? Oh, sooo not happening! And is that even technically possible?
For some reason I suddenly develop a southern drawl and respond, “Why, Darling, I CAN’T be a Lesbian tonight! Don’t you know? I am a Fabulous Fruit Fly!”
So in Chicago I have come to the realization it doesn’t matter if they dress in drag, or are old and drool, boys will be boys, and hit on you!
I was talking about my upcoming business trip to Chicago. One of the regulars at a place I go said he was going to be in there at the same time. Being originally from Chicago, he offered to show me Michigan Ave and take me out to dinner while I was there. He’s a nice older guy. Probably mid to late 70’s. My Dad’s age. He even drools a little. Not my Dad- the guy.
I think it’s cool. But, I’m a little wary. I ask my mother, she thinks it’s very nice, he sound like a very nice man. Ok. I’m good.
I ask some friends. They laugh and say he probably wants to get a little. No, he’s old! They tell me that’s why they make Viagra. ICK! I guess that means I don’t get to accept any gifts on Michigan Ave? My friend says not unless I want to do “old balls”. Gross.
I don’t really believe everyone. He’s a nice old guy…. So, I go to Chicago. He calls and says he’ll pick me up at my hotel at two. He came straight from the airport. Odd- I thought he was supposed to be there a few days before me. After I greeted him and got into his car, he pulled into the hotel directly next to mine. Very odd, he told me he usually stays in the city which is half an hour away. Oh well, we get in a cab and go to the city.
He brings me to a hotel. He wants to get a drink at the hotel bar and we can look across Lake Michigan. Well, Ok, that’s cool- it’s one of the great lakes. But it is 2:30 in the afternoon. I’ve been up since 4 am, traveling, and haven’t eaten. One glass of wine.
We walk up to Michigan Ave. He takes me into The Drake Hotel. Again that’s weird. We have another glass of wine. Getting a buzz.
Finally we go to check out some shops. I keep trying to make conversation, but this is just strange. He wants to watch me shop? I don’t even know what to talk to him about. Finally I talk about my Dad. They have a lot in common. Both in the army, both in sales, and both used to go to the same hardware shows. Probably the same age. This is just awkward.
We go into Gibson’s Steak house. Finally FOOD. Nope. Fail! Another wine. Really? Three glasses- not so good. He has the biggest booger hanging. That’s all I can do is drink wine and stare at this booger.
I follow him into another bar. Hugo’s Frog Bar. Still haven’t eaten. I have a glass of wine. We start talking to a nice lady. He orders her, and me, another glass of wine. I have about half and go to the ladies room. When I come back- my glass is full. FULL not like they normally pour, but to the rim. Is that like 2 glasses of wine, or 3. And how many places have I been. I’m trying to count how many glasses I have had. I need two hands, I’m having a hard time counting… Oh I’m shit faced. I need food. I enlist the help of the woman to suggest places to eat. I really wish she would come….I’m drunk. I’m drunk texting my friends. I need advice- clarity… My friend thinks booger says boner. I’m in the ladies room laughing by myself.
We go into a restaurant. At this point I don’t know or care about the name. He orders a bottle of wine. OH NO! All I want is to eat and go back to my hotel alone. I order a sandwich, I need bread. He pours the wine. I drink the water. He goes to the bathroom. I pour my glass into his. The man at the next table laughs. Hmm in my drunkenness I wonder if he is trying to get me drunk? It takes me this long to figure it out… I drunk txt my friend. She tells me to say I don’t feel well and go back to hotel. I’m drunk, I listen.
On the way back he tries to put his arm around me in the cab. I may vomit. It would serve him right. We get to the hotel and he gets out of the cab. OH NO!! I tell him “stay in the cab your hotel is over there”. He laughs and says he can walk. I may be drunk, but I know where this is going. I’m younger, I’m spry! I’m faster! I smile big, and then slur something about having to be up early in the morning and run! Yup, I ran.
I was so shocked at the nomination!!!!
The Versatile Blogger Award
The Rules of the “Versatile Blogger Award” are as follows:
- Nominate 15 fellow bloggers.
- Inform the bloggers of their nomination.
- Share 7 random things about yourself.
- Thank the blogger who nominated you.
- Add the “Versatile Blogger Award” pic to your blog post.
Let’s see…7 random things about me
1. when it comes to certain situations I tend to be naive
2. I feel everyone should do what they love and love what they do!
3. I have a strong family bond and wonderful friends!
4. I sing in my car
5. I’m a horrible singer
6. I watch ALL the housewives shows it’s my guilty pleasure
7. When I clean my house I blast dance music and jump around
I love blogging and reading blogs. This award lets me share some of the other wonderful blogs I have read. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do! Thank you fellow bloggers!
Well, I went on a “coffee date”. Nice guy, reminded me of my brother, too much like my brother. So I have a new friend on Face Book.
I have my training wheels on, but I seem to need more help. I decide to go to the book store. Hell, if I can’t find a book maybe I can find an intellectual guy…
I get to the bookstore, grab a Starbuck’s and check out my fellow shoppers. The pickings are slim to none. Nevermind, I’ll look for a book…
Self help. Yup, that’s what I need. Ha! Dating for Dummies, that has to have answers! I start to read the back of the book, It claims I will find everything I need to “navigate social media sites to socialize, flirt, and date in the 21st century”. Ok, I need to get in the 21st century. This is a start.
I notice a creepy man staring at me…what’s he doing in this aisle? This is the women’s self help, Oprah type of books. I ignore and keep searching.
I come across The New Rules Of Attraction ” how to get him, keep him, & make him beg for more”. Now that sounds good. I’d like to know that.
I spot a second man lurking at the other end of the row. I look around. Why are these two staring at me? OOH it’s the “pick up a woman at the book store thing”! OOOH and I am an easy target. Ugh! I am in the self help aisle looking at how to date books! ICK! I am the cliché! Quickly, I grab another book Are All Guys Assholes? I turn to first man, it’s like a force field he turns and leaves the area. I spin around to the second creepy guy, he sees the title, he ducks for cover and runs! All right, maybe I am embellishing, but he did leave.. I don’t know what this book is about, but its a keeper. I think I’ll carry it in my purse! Worked better than mace!
I go to cash out. The 20 something year old boy will not look me in the eye and his face is red. I’m puzzled. Ahhh, yes, I’m purchasing Dating for Dummies, The New Rules Of Attraction and Are All Guys Assholes?. I’m old enough to be this kids mother. I think he’s appalled. LOL! I secretly wonder, if I ask for condoms will he throw a clot and have a stroke or just pass out?
I decide to go home and settle down to read. But which one first? You guessed it. I wanted to know if they were all assholes. Page 9 the author, Amber Madison, revealed she was writing the book to prove that they weren’t…. I guess there is hope out there.